Just for fun
Be impressed! Be very impressed... First time on, I don't how long, have I buyed some dresses on internet and I AM GOING TO LAY UP PICTURES OF THEM HERE.
Dress #1
Dress #2
Dress #3
Dress #4
I think I like dress #4 the best, but dress #1 and #2 are also nice, so are dress #3. And them all for only 749kr (115,81$). I have such a good taste!
Only one retard deserve this (CT)
I am laying in my bed like thousand times before
The only different now is that it’s really is over
The thoughts starts, a real chaos in a storm
Evil thoughts and your memories been mixed in a tornado
A bomb has been exploded and on the outside you see me sweating
Because now I stand in the line of my family
The chains of feelings is clamped me to the bed
I only wants out but someone is holding the strap
I have stopped feeling, but it still feels
You are on the other side my big love of life but it fucking hurts
The tears can come despite the weeks have turned to years
I can still feel your hand on my leg
I am shaking from the thoughts that you are with someone else
I will always think of how it would be if you had stayed
Hours turns to weeks till the time disappears
Tears turns to thoughts till the cremation furnace is on fire
The only thing what is left is the memories
You was so wonderful, so fucking cute
Now it’s over and there is nothing left, now it’s only me
(Was it you or me who was crazy?)
I am a prison in a world, world
The jailer is me, from you
There is nothing left
You, it’s over now and all our time is over
Because there is nothing left
Because there are nothing left
You, it’s over now and it feels so freaking good
I feel so fucking good
Smoke and cigaretes
Been at Adde's place and there were some old friends, not so near friends but it was fun to meet them anyway. I found my favoritepicture at my computer today and I thoughed I will put it upp here. I have keept it saving in maybe 7 years now. From gorgasm.com and I have been moving it first from my old computer at my moms house when I lived there. After that when that computer went old (got it when I was about 10 years old and mom kicked it out when I was about 18 years old, kinda hardcore computer) I moved the picture over to Allan (my former computer who still stands here beside me and will always do if I need some kind of information from it). After that from Allan to my new one I got in April 2011. So here you have my favoritepicture through all years!
Concentration in the blood
When I was on the hospital they took two blood samlpes on me to look at the concentration of antipsychotic medicin in my body. You shall have a value of maximum 30 (of something) and absolutly not more than 45. Over 30 is not good at all but a body can take up to 45 or something like that. But me on the other side have:
BLOOD SAMPLE ONE: 53
and
BLOOD SAMPLE TWO: 81
I say: Retarded fucking doctors to put me on that high of meds... And the voices, thoughs and hallucinations is not much better, more at the other way. I think.
I'm not a angry and creepy person at all.
Indeed I am not a creepy person just because I hit that girl. Feel nothing about it, it was not my fault! Today my psychologist told me they maybe are going to do a mentaltest who they make on real dangerous mentaly ill people. I don't know the name in english, but it's "rättspsykiatrisk utredning" on swedish and I can't find any translate on it. Whatever, let's see what's happening! It can be fun! A big big adventure with my own freedown on the game. Some new photos on terrorindead btw. If anyone is interested.
The word and thing they maybe do on me was: Forensic psychiatric evaluation. There you go!
Permission
I got permission from the mentalhospital from today till tomorow and I will tell you how!
The whole thing beginns like this. I was home with a friend and we started to fight and he went away from my apartment but I was to slow and angry to follow him directly, but after some minute I walk after him to find him. I went to the train to look if he was there but he wasn't and then I became angry and so on, so, Corey and Ville started to talk alot. Ville like always trying to protect me from Corey's talk. Coreys talk what is like:
"Nobody stands you" and "You are not worth the waiting" and "You never gonna be forgiven" and "you'r a freak" and so on. So when I was on my way back from the train to walk to the busstation and look a girl walk up against me and Corey hardly says: "Show her how dangerous you is!" And I had no match of winningpoint to not do what Corey was telling me right then. Everything kinda dissapeared and I hit the girl. Sad.
"Nobody stands you" and "You are not worth the waiting" and "You never gonna be forgiven" and "you'r a freak" and so on. So when I was on my way back from the train to walk to the busstation and look a girl walk up against me and Corey hardly says: "Show her how dangerous you is!" And I had no match of winningpoint to not do what Corey was telling me right then. Everything kinda dissapeared and I hit the girl. Sad.
I'm not gonna get into any closer details about that, I know it was wrong, I know it was stupid and I know I shouldn't have done it. But when you have a fucking Corey Taylor screaming in your head to nearly kill someone from his point it's kinda hard to stand up to. And like a view of that I was very angry, sad and also upset. But I know, that's not a reason to hit someone.
After that I went to the busstation but my friend wasn't there eather so I started to walk back to my apartment but on the way a policecar came by. They picked me upp and bla bla bla...
I end up on section 1 on St Görans hospital and after that I became transport to section 140 on Danderyds hospital and after that transport to section 126 on danderyds hospital here in stockholm. So well there I have been...
But to the whole point now! Why I'm so happy because of this permission. I have been into mentalhospitals longer time than this time without permissions or even not has was outside disregard the smokingarea. It has been times I have been inside for 2 monthes without been more far away from the section than 2 meters (79 inch). But this time has been so fucking irritating! It is more to come! All the other time I have been very psychotic or in the middle of two worlds but this time I have been totaly healthy according to me. The only false step this time was that I simply did what Corey told me for over 9 billion of times and this time I hit a girl. Not good at all but it is so fucking boring to be in a mentalhospital when you feeling healty and not have all this hysterical thoughs to listening and make up to. Whatever I became moved to section 126, the psychosissection on Danderyds hospital, with my own talking rights of that it was alright and that I could be there on free will. I thoughed like:
"Okey, let's be here some couple of days, something need to be wrong, I beaten up a girl last night."
So I was there on my own will but then the doctor came into the picture. I was on the section for maybe 3 days without complaint but after that I asked the doctor if I could leave the hospital but she simply said:
"That make no sence, it's totaly absurd." Then I asked the doctor if I could have a permission but she said the same and I thought "what the fuck, I can handle one day more here."
So I wait but the doctor told me the same thing over and over again but this time she even threaten me with that if I didn't do what she was telling me she should write a hospital order on me. A hospital order so she have the right to keep me there and controll me and everything around me for a month and after that maybe prolong the LPT (Law about mental custodial care). So she simply said:
"You are not going anywhere, if you want to get out or any permissions I write a hospital order on you so you will stay here. Do we have a agreement?"
I had not choise without agree with the bitch for almost a month! But today it became some changes.
The registrar came into my room and told me they was going to take away my 16.00 medicin of one Ritalin and then I totaly had got enough of these fucking doctors! So I told him angry that they hell not should take away my Ritalin and that I'm not in my world should stay there anylonger and that I wantet to write myself out and that it was unacceptable that my own doctor threathen me to stay on restraint when I was on the hospital on free will and I for the law should have my all rights to write myself out whenever I want to and not give after because a doctor threaten me through saying I most stay. The registrar said "Ok, you will be talking with the chief physician about this later"
So I wait and after a while I get my meeting with the doctors and I told them I wanted to get out and that I never on earth was going to stay there one night more, kinda upset. So the chief physician said she should think for 5 minutes and then talk me up. (Now we all know I got permission but it's kinda fun to write everything down anyway...)
So I wait and wait and wait and wait. 5 minutes for the doctor was 1 hour in reality btw. Bla bla bla, howsome she said I could leave the hospital yet but that I could get a permission from today till tomorow and if that went good another permission and if that went well I maybe gonna to be able to leave the hospital in next week.
That's my "now-time" story to tell.
Bye
Back to the MH
Here, back on the mentalhospital again. I can't get out from here and I realy want to get home, I will tell you all about the story how I get here when I get home. Maybe, it is a kinda idiotic story from my side. I hope to get home in a week or two, but I have already thought that for over 3 weeks now. And I'm fat again. I can't believe it, 7 kg on 3 weeks. I don't know how I make it, but I do. I guess the problem is that I hardly not eat att all when I am at home and when I get in here I eat breakfast, lunch, coffe break, dinner, and night sandwich and maybe some more sandwich if I can't sleep, witch is almost every night. And on that I eat alot of candy because that is the only shit you can do on this place.
So there you see, not my fault, just hospitalbody.
So there you see, not my fault, just hospitalbody.
