Terrorinalive

Zyk told me something about this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deja_vu#Jamais_vu , something that was happening to me all the time when I was a child. Like: When I told myself a word over and over again I started to believe the word was a word that didn’t exist. When I start to think back about my childhood I remember many weird things that I was up to. Example I always saw a black panther run on the side of the car every time we was go by car. The black panther was bigger than normal and when it get tired it jumped up on the roof on the car and rest for a while. When the panther was “fit for fight” again it jumped down and started to run on the side of the car again.

It was exactly the same type of “hallucination” that I see today. It’s like… I see everything, but it is invisible. I see the colours and the shape of everything but it isn’t there. It’s not a fantasy because I can’t control it. The same I did when I was a child, I had an “invisible” dog for a while. A small baby jack russell terrier that walked with me everywhere. The dog was special with me when I was at our summer house. But sometimes it was with me even at home. Those two is the only “invisible” things that people like to call fantasy that I did not have any control over. All my other real fantasies I controlled over, over that kind of fantasies I could choice what the fantasy will do (and that is what a fantasy is, isn’t it?)

I also, I don’t know if it stand something about exactly this at this “Jamis vu” text, but last summer I started to forget the Swedish language. I started to forget words and sentences, and I started to hack my own brain on words because the words disappeared, or it was to little words in the Swedish language to explain things. My tongue also started to live against me and didn’t want to form the words in the right way in my mouth, so the sentences became very weird. So I started to talk in English. If my English is good/bad, does not matter because it was fucking scary to start to forget your own language.